I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
