a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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