Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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