it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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