You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
