Michael Bay diarrhea
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
