i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
