I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
