Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize