my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
