Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
