oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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