We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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