its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
then he tried to convert me to islam
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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