I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
