this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize