R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
