I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
