so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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