I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
