let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Randomize
