just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
