I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
