In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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