And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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