im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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