3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
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