I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
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