There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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