i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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