Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
