no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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