I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
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