gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
