I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Someone came in the potted fern
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
