Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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