I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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