i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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