I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
he laminated a picture of his dick.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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