She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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