I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
