God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize