Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
My bed smells like the plague
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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