if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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