Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
