I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
