I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
