Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
