I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
