I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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