mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
