you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
