I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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