We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
It's never too late to be topless.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
They are going to name an STD after you.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
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