And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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