Got a toothbrush?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I wear drunk well.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
