Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
