saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
