Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
