Michael Bay diarrhea
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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